Tired

I am tired of feeling like this. I just sort of feel numb, and I want the old me back. I used to be energetic, and at one point, I felt like the life of the party. Now I feel like I am just barely living, leaving everyone I care about behind as I try to find myself again after getting broken up for the first time ever. I’ve only ever been in four relationships, and this last one I shared all of my firsts with. I have very strict rules for myself on how to behave in relationships because I don’t want to make any life decisions that I will regret, which made me hold back in the first two relationships. Then I barely count the third one. And when I ended all of those relationships, it was because I felt like I wasn’t enough and they deserved better, and I no longer felt loved. But each time, there was a period of time before the end when I realized that things were going downhill and I tried so hard to desperately fix everything, and I realized that I was doing more work than them. Then with this last one, I was still trying to fix everything when he broke up with me. The difference was that this time around, I finally decided to communicate that the relationship was starting to hurt me, and I addressed what I wanted to do to fix things. That made him realize that he didn’t feel the same I did, that he wasn’t happy, and he ended it. After that, I still wanted to fix things, but now I just want to fix things with myself. I’m kind of done wanting to fix other people and my relationships with them. I just want to be selfish for awhile, and make myself happy again. Because when I made myself happy, that’s when I was a joy, and the life of the party, and I was someone to be proud of. That’s when I was someone to fall in love with. It’s hard to be in a relationship when the person you like is depressed, anxious, and has an anxious attachment style. I need to work on myself and be happy again. I miss myself.