there’s this girl i really liked last year in my first year of college. We went on about 3 dates, I frequently bought her flowers, we held hands, we hugged, we almost kissed, we were super close. Then one day she tells me we need to talk. So I agree, while i basically have a panic attack in my dorm room over what she might say. My roommate tried to keep it positive by telling me it might not be all that bad. Well it was just as i feared. She essentially broke up with me. She told me she “didn’t feel a romantic spark”. I just couldn’t believe it. it didn’t feel real. the thing i was dating with the intention of a relationship as well. i fully wanted to make her mine. i felt so betrayed and in disbelief. i told her that one day maybe we could be friends again, but it would take time. we’ve pretty much gone no contact since then. i later heard from one of her close friends that she was upset i wasn’t looking or talking to her. i was so mad. she has no right to be the one who is upset. she broke it off with me. now flash forward to yesterday afternoon. i saw her and all these dark and turmoiled feelings swelled up to the surface once more. it felt terrible. i had so much anxiety over just making eye contact with her. now i want to mention i do have severe social anxiety and i would go out of my way to avoid her on campus if i saw her after we “broke up”. god she’s so beautiful and her smile was so radiant..but i felt nothing but despair upon seeing her. why after all this time does she still have this effect on me? i wish she didn’t. i wish i could hate her. i wish i would never see her again.
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