catfish guilt

i started dating someone online back in April of 2023. we had been talking for a while, friends way back when all i did was just check up on them after someone snapped at them in call. we liked the same games, laughed at the same jokes, trusted one another with spilt guts late at night when our brains would eat us alive. i fell in love. truly, madly, deeply. i lied about my everything to them. they were 20, thought they were ugly, horribly traumatized and oh, so loving. they were beautiful, all gentle words and fiery passion and steel and silk all in one. i told myself i was helping, told myself i was there to save them and make them feel loved because god, nobody else deserves love more than they do. i didnt care that I was 16, so i said I was a man, 21, gave them a name and a face to love that wasn’t mine. im a woman, 17, with a name and a face not nearly as loveable as the one i had so carefully crafted. on August 15th of 2024, i broke the news to them. i had lied the night before, made up some narrative about addiction and recovery and moving away. i threw it out the window when I broke their heart, and told the teuth. i didn’t stay around to hear their reaction. i copy-pasted my message to them, apologizing and prayinf for their health and promising to love them no matter what, and telling them the truth. since then, there hasn’t been a night I didn’t sob into my pillow, whispering prayers to whoever or whatever may hear me that they’re okay. that they have a sign that im still out there, loving them even if all they do is want me dead

in honor of the one month anniversary of tearing hearts out of chests, i have three burning questions

did i do the right thing? telling them the truth? every thought ive had since then has been whether or not i should have made up one last white lie to save their heart. told them i was moving away, a recovering addict, on a journey to improve myself and break their heart that way

what do I do now? how do I recover? do I seek them out like i promised i would in all those late night texts to never let them go? or do i let them go, not knowing if it would hurt them or heal them to hear from me again?

how do i forgive myself? do i deserve to be forgiven? can
i call myself a good person anymore?

and stardust, if you’re reading this, i lied about every last little thing about myself. but not once did a word i said about loving you come from anywhere but the selfish heart that you somehow made love you
fly high, white swan