It all started back when I was 17. I was in Malta and went to a massage parlor with the intention of only getting a massage. When I went into the back with the lady masseuse, she asked me what I wanted. When I said that I didn’t understand what she meant, she proceeded to say:
“Handy 40 euros, sucky 50”
I was thrown. I had no idea this stuff really existed outside of pornos and, too surprised to think, I said handy because 40 was all I had.
That experience was amazing, in the moment. The pure exhilaration of it all made the memory burn itself into my memory forever.
After I came, I left and wandered the streets sort of too dumbstruck and shameful to go back to my friends and our hotel. I felt like a piece of shit. How the fuck could I have done this? I’m a religious Jew.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Years passed. The memory faded into the back of my mind but it was always still there. I developed something of a fascination for massage porn.
A few more years went by and I planned a trip to Japan. I wanted, no needed, to go back to one of these places. I didn’t plan my trip to Japan purely because I wanted to go to an erotic massage parlor but once I realized how prevalent these places were in Japan, I made it a priority to go to a place like that.
I ended up going to only one place and got a hand job happy ending. Once again, I felt ashamed and disgusted in myself, and once again I wanted more.
The next year I went to Vienna, had sex with a prostitute. Then Japan again, same happy ending place.
I got back home from my trip fully intending to leave all that shit behind once and for all.
Then the urge began to build in me again.
I travelled 4+ hours to get to the city to meet up with a prostitute. That was tonight. I feel like a piece of human garbage. I don’t ever want to do this again. It’s spending money I don’t have and is betraying myself each time. I want to change. I want to never pay for any sexual act or favor ever again. If you have any suggestions, please tell me. Thank you.
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