I have recently come to the realization that there has always been something amiss within me. A few years ago, I began to notice my clinginess and jealousy, but I couldn’t pinpoint where these feelings originated or when they began. It wasn’t until I revisited old messages that I started to recognize a pattern in my behavior.
What continues to perplex me is the sense of emptiness I often feel, along with overwhelming urges to cry that I cannot fully express. While I am aware that my life holds purpose, I find myself questioning: Where is this purpose? What is it? I believed I received adequate attention as a child — I had a supportive family and a younger brother.
Yet, I often wonder if I am seeking attention. At times, I crave it; at other times, I wish to withdraw entirely. My thoughts fluctuate rapidly, leaving me feeling disoriented. Just the other day, I was cuddling with my boyfriend, enjoying the intimacy. Yet now, I feel averse to physical touch, despite moments of longing for it. This inconsistency is a constant in my life; once I form an opinion, it seems to shift repeatedly.
There are periods when I feel an intense dislike for everything and a desire to isolate myself, while at other times, I experience overwhelming love for the world and a profound sense of peace. Reflecting on my childhood, I believe I had a stable upbringing with a loving family and friends, despite some instances of bullying. I was teased during school for my appearance, and this undoubtedly impacted my self-esteem.
I began my journey into adolescence at a young age, around 7 or 8, and felt acutely aware of my differences compared to my peers. This awareness may have contributed to my desire to change who I was.
Occasionally, I find myself contemplating death—not in a morbid sense, but rather in curiosity about what happens at the end of life. I wonder how people would react if I were no longer here. Would they mourn my absence, or would life simply continue without me? After all, the world does keep spinning.
While people often comment on my beauty, I struggle to accept these compliments. Despite being called beautiful by both men and women, I question the sincerity behind these words. Similarly, when someone expresses love for me, I find myself doubting: Do they truly mean it?
I am confused by my emotions and wonder if my longing for attention is indicative of a deeper issue. The possibility of being bipolar has crossed my mind, yet I remain uncertain. Is this something one is born with? If not, why have I felt this way for so long? Am I exhibiting signs of a deeper psychological issue?
I yearn for clarity regarding my feelings and a desire to live a normal life. Is this a common experience for others? What is wrong with me? The answer seems simple, yet the complexity of my emotions complicates the search for understanding.
*Name is not required.