sick kid

i hate being the sick kid. growing up i wasn’t. i was just me. and then well i got sick and everything changed for the worse. not only my health but all of my relationships. all of a sudden anyone that knew me acted like i was the most fragile thing they’d ever seen. like if they touched me too hard i’d break and they wouldn’t know what to do. and yeah maybe i don’t blame them for that right after it happened but it’s been almost 4 years and i can still see it in their eyes. everything changed that friday and i want to go back. i would say i wanna go back in time and make myself never go out with my siblings that night or even just make us go somewhere else but that wouldn’t solve the problem. i’d still be sick i just wouldn’t know when. i don’t wanna say go back and make myself never be born to have to deal with this because while at the time i would’ve begged for that to be the case i don’t wanna die. i enjoy my life. the people in it who love me and care about me. the people i love and care about. my job. my cats. i love it i do. i just don’t wanna be sick. i want to go back to how i was before. i don’t wanna have gone through that trauma. i was too young to die. i was too young to have my parents see me almost die. my siblings afraid of what would happen to me. i was too young to carry the weight of what happened to me. and deal with the aftermath of it all. it’s changed me. sure it got me where i am in life now somehow but i hate this piece of me. i hate knowing that no matter what i do. how long i live or things that change i’ll never just be… normal. i’ll never go back to that. i’ll always have to have 2+ extra doctors than your average person. i’ll always subconsciously worry in getting sick again i’ll always overthink a simple cough or stuffed nose. and i wish it never happened. some how some way i wish i could’ve just been, normal.