Today was my nephews baptism.
I am not religious and If the service isn’t good get lost in my thoughts. I started thinking about how depressed I was when I first met my nephew. Two weeks before that I had gotten dunped by my “highschool boyfriend” whi I loved for eight months even though he openly didn’t feel similarly. It’s a silly thing. I had mental health issues while dating him too. I still have to believe that it wasn’t something as silly as a relationship I was aware would end once he left town or country (he left me earlier than that). But back to the thing that I thought of today. I remebered the day I first met my nephew and in that baptism cermony I finally placed the feelubg I had that day. Not wanting to live but feeling like I had to, just to see what kind of aunt I would be and what person he would be. I almost teared up with that realasation. But I also had another thought that ceremony because during it the preacher also mentioned how the kids being baptised would then confirm their christianity when they are 14 in the year 2035 (the protestant thing I dont know the englisch name for it its another cermony) and how everyone would then gather again. And I thought “Damn I hope I am going to be dead by then” I can’t tell people because ehat are they going to do with that I don’t need help I have a therapist I could make a new appointment with but in the end this thoight and the way I have been compeltly exhausted for the last few days is just another bad few days in what is an otherwise pretty sane mental state. Like I remeber thinking about how menzally stable I was like a week ago because none of my friends have it as good as me.
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