i am just wondering how liberating it is to express my love for the same sex. It is mentally painful to cage this kind of desire and bottling it all up because the social environment around you perceives you as a very religious one. I felt so stucked that I am just living because of the social norms that I should act and behave this way but, deeply, I am not happy, I am trying to put smiles through my hobbies but, there is still lacking of – it is someone, I am desperate to be intimate with a same sex partner that somehow I could freely express myself, away from this world. I hope that someday, this will be resolved, but I do not how and when. I am yearning for intimacy for so long yet I am bounded by the expectations around me and I felt being controlled by it. It is making me depressed and I felt so limited because of the eyes around me. It is so hard to be in a certain leadership position that looks highly upon you. There’s this pressure that I can’t hold enough. I want to break free yet I am fearful of how they will react if I am going to express more of mine. There’s a lot of unfufilled wishes in my heart to be someone and it is painful. There are other times that I just want to kill myself because of this homosexual feelings I have for someone, wishing tat this will be gone quickly but it isn’t, those feelings are still here in my heart and I honestly do not know how to deal it right now.
It gets better.