My Secrets

I’ve been a porn addict for seven years, and I have never once been caught by anybody. It allows me to utilize my true genius, which is getting away with stuff. I’m not proud of it and many times I’ve gone into the bathroom and cried my eyes out in silence because I know what I’m doing is wrong, but I can’t tell anybody because it would give me away. It hurts sooooooo much to have everybody around you believing in you; believing you’re a good man: when in reality you’re nothing but a pervert. I feel betrayed by God for allowing me to go this far, but I know it’s not Him that started it. I know that if someone knows what I really am, I’ll be forsaken by my friends and my family. But part of me want somebody to know, just relieve me of this burden.

I’ve contemplated suicide but then decided against it, I have so many burdens that people never see. Chron’s disease, porn addiction, depression, loneliness, and other certain crimes of a non violent or sexual nature. Most people think I’m a good man, which is the really painful part, they think I’m just a skilled musician, a hard worker, a Christian, an adventure seeker, a hunter, and a charming young man……. That’s what people see on the surface. But inside I’m deeply sad, hurt, lonely, sneaky, vengeful, and a wickedly cunning enemy to have, and mindlessly cruel and cold hearted when the mood takes me. I am also a quick and skilled user of words to manipulate people, and I could easily seduce any woman I choose. I’m the devil in disguise…. But I long for nothing more than closeness and friendship with my God, who I have forsaken and cast aside like trash. Who has countless times forgiven and comforted me knowing that I will betray Him again at the first chance. I’ve given up on asking for forgiveness and mercy when I deserve hell for eternity.

Ladies who read this… When you think that you’ve found a good man, be very careful. He may be all that you want on the surface, but sometimes you may never know who they truly are. And if you find out, it will break your heart as bad as it will his. I have tears in my eyes for the first time in almost a year as I write this awful confession. My black heart feels remorse over the people I have betrayed for my own pleasure time and time again. May God forgive me.