I hate this. I don’t want to see what I’m writing. it’s weird to see my thoughts anywhere. Every day, An, I wake up with the incredible feeling of breaking my head and gouging out my eyes. I hate myself. Every day it hurts more and more to look at you. It hurts me that I can’t get close to you and it hurts me that I’m afraid you don’t love me anymore. I never meant for us to be apart. I guess this isn’t as hard for you as it is for me. Since I broke off my friendship with Mil, she brings me the same amount of pain as when I was her friend. When I stopped hanging out with her, she started hanging out with you and Du. And as time goes by you get closer and closer together, and we drift further apart. I don’t want to lose the people I care about, not again. I lost my best friend once and I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to. I won’t. I can’t let that happen, only on the condition that you don’t love me anymore, even though the thought of it makes me vomit, makes me have the urge to hurt myself, again. Smash my head into a million pieces so I don’t have to go through this. I’ve never been hurt like this before. As time goes on, I’m starting to understand how many bad things Mil has done to me. Even when we were together for so long and told each other everything every day. I felt drained. The time I was her friend was the time when my depression episode was the worst. The sense of freedom I felt coming out of that friendship was indescribable. I felt like I didn’t have some little demon on my back anymore. But she will always find a way to hurt me. Even when I’m not talking to her. I have the impression that she will always be around, the biggest mistake I have made in the last few years, and I don’t want to go into further details, I think this is already too much. I came here to write about how much and why i miss you and why everything you do now makes me feel like the last piece of shit. I don’t know if you still love me, I hope you do, I hope you take what I said about Mil seriously and rethink your friendship with her, because the last time I cried so much was when my father died. It’s hard to compare that period to this time, but it’s really starting to look like that. I’ve never been hurt like that, An. I understand your reaction to this probably won’t be the most pleasant, but i just want you to understand that she ruined a part of my life that I valued so much, and, I want it back. Of course it’s okay if I can’t have it. Friendships come and go. I can’t control whether you love me or not, whether you miss me or not. All I know is that I love you, and I miss you so much. I really miss going for walks, going out every other day, playing board games, making stupid sleepovers and making jokes about stupid things. I miss you and all that comes with our friendship. The reason that I sometimes couldn’t look you in your eyes was because of fear. Just the fear that you don’t accept me for who I am and that you never will. Although that is probably irrational. A few days ago I came across a book you gave me, you wrote in the inscription that you love me. That you love me. And if it was real for even a moment that makes me sadder. I’ve been crying almost every night for the past two months about this and I don’t want to see you disappear from my hands. I don’t want to see that. I want us to be friends like we always used to. If we can’t, that’s fine, provided you don’t love me anymore and I don’t mean anything to you. because then this will all be so much easier. Knowing about it will only confirm to my little brain that I cried again for nothing because you never really loved me. But I’d rather think differently. I’d like to think you still love me, but I don’t know what to believe anymore. I just want you to know that I love you with all my being and that I would do anything to take everything back, to take everything back the way we used to be or could have been.
I Love You An, and probably always will.
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