“When Life deals you a shit hand, you gotta play the hand you’re dealt.”
I heard this quote from a respected teacher I knew, and at the time it inspired me – a kid from a poor and volatile family and upbringing. But now when I think of this I feel resentment for whoever made this quote…
Before I go on my rant, I want to preface that my life is much better than it used to be growing up. I have a stable job and housing, and good friends and colleagues around me. I’m relatively fortunate compared to most. I grew up in an unstable family situation on-and-off for much of my childhood, and while I managed to make it out with the help of friends and some good family, it wasn’t without some lasting harm to my mental health and relationship with my surviving family.
I struggle with many things that I wish I have done already. Mostly it is saving money, as it is hard since I pay for rent and bills and other responsibilities, also I want to change careers from where I am but am struggling to juggle the logistics of studying and still keeping a roof over my head working full-time. I have many other smaller nagging things but they aren’t nearly as important as what I just described.
I’m still in my early 20s so I know I still have plenty of time to improve things, but I feel at the moment that I’ll be stuck in the same place whilst my friends – who are still able to live with family, study for their desired careers and save money much easier than I can since they don’t have the financial burden I do, it just doesn’t feel fair. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, running this stupid rat race on hard mode all alone.
I don’t have any family I can reliably depend on if I need support or fall on hard times. They started with more stable families who care for them and can afford to, whereas I don’t have that. I don’t really mind sometimes, but the over time I can’t help feel envious that they have it easier. I would talk to them about how I feel, but they would not understand, and I have talked to some of them about it before and while at first it was comforting, what could they do to help?
Most days, I’m doing well and these intrusive thoughts don’t get to me, but the days I can’t handle it that I feel dejected. And honestly while I have never acted on suicidal thoughts, I tend to have them occassionally and it doesn’t even bother me anymore if I were to die. I don’t really have anything tying me down to make me regret it.
Anyway, I just wanted a place to vent. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my rant. I fee better already knowing that my thoughts are out there and not stewing in my mind.
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