My PTSD demons and the ongoing hell of living

I’ve not lived a normal or fun life but I’ve tried to after all the dark, violent, and psychological damage done to me by my father, supposed friends, bullies and jocks. Much of the violence and abuse ended after I graduated high school, but the damage was done at least psychologically.

Many in the mental health field have said for decades that I have some of the worst iPTSD they’ve ever seen but say I am more self aware than most people, and clearly can hide because of my sense of humor, I always say you have to see the funny side even in the darkness,

The only reason I’ll be 46 next week is my sense of humor lol is suffering and pain is all I know so I can endure easily.. I get flashbacks daily of my dad being a psycho which he was from age 5-17 before I snapped at him momentarily.

However, any time I see or hear a guy talking or treating a kid badly, I get triggered or get a horrible flashback of those lovely days with him. Even as much as my dad’s horrible lame blaming temper to this day which he throws at my mother still over virtually nothing can trigger me to explode. I do not but I get in his face when it’s insane. Thankfully, that’s rare but the crazy him is still there.

High school. I got it from everyone even kids also picked on or beat yo for Bo reason but being shy or quiet. Innocent but an easy target for would he sociopaths, obvious closet case jocks as most are (it’s normal), narcissists or the rest of the low self esteemed people like the cheerleaders and so forth.

I got beat up daily when people were bored or in a bad mood. It takes its toll. Years later while at a bar one of the horrible jocks who is the only one I still hate to this day asked if he was on my hit list. No hello, “hey was I on you hitlist?” Speechless which is rare for me age 21-present.

I told him I never had a hit list. I was in high school in the early 90s before all the big school schoolings, so was he dumber than the norm, or did he remember small isolated incidents on the news then of bullies kids taking out jocks? Perhaps, but he always as an idiot.

I told him I wasn’t homicidal. I was suicidal, I hard all of you but I’m no killer and you’re not worthy of being a martyr. After some horrible exchanges he went outside to smoke. I followed him and smashed his head into a wall repeatedly, blood was everywhere. Finally I remember thinking and none of it is mine.

A few people walked by assuming it was a typical bar fight. There was nothing typical about this but sheer rage and revenge. I left him there to bleed out but he lived, I didn’t care either way,

When home I wanted for the cops to come but nothing. I knew he knew it was me even though we’d both been drinking. Also, I went straight at him. Nothing, I tried rationalizing why they never came and thought was it because he’d embarrassed I destroyed him, or could it be he knew he had it coming?

I never could sort it out but got away at the moment with it. Christ, he did with much worse, criminal things for all those years, so why not this necessity for a past victim?

Ad a guy at middle age now tortured by stuff I’ve done and all that horror done to me, I think of his beating. I do not regret doing it but how I left him there to be found. I’ve done this before and always got away with it.

Now, I have PTSD about my violence too. Mine was sheer revenge when a kid out of control or a triggered man seeing something horrible. You may think you’re done with the lady or over it, but the past isn’t done with you and will not let you go. That’s PTSD and most of us have it not from a war.

I wish people would realize the obvious but whatever sells. Use humor if possible but it doesn’t fix the headaches, flashbacks you relive constantly, the nightmares, crying spells, or bursts of rage.

I would not wish it on anyone as if never stops much like bipolar suicidal hell. Be happy if you’re sane and left alone. The mental health field had no answers and the few they do don’t work on most of us.so I’ll endure as always and hope oh finally ends soon.