I’m pretty sure I have more interest in a coworker than my girlfriend of 5 years… But I still love my gf.
My GF and I met before covid. I was fresh out of an abusive relationship and didn’t know who I was. I was heavier and in a darker mindset than I’d ever been. She gave me the space I needed while also caring for me. She made me laugh, she didn’t judge me, and she was always kind. To this day I don’t think we’ve ever had a real argument. She is my best friend.
But since September there’s been another woman coming into my head and I can’t get her out. A coworker. She’s silly too, but appears more driven than my gf. She’s an aspiring model, kills it at work, and is downright gorgeous. We started off as just talking, but now I feel like we flirt pretty consistently. She’s way out of my league, and I don’t really know if she knows about my crush. She’s been beautiful her whole life, so it wouldn’t surprise me if she just thinks I’m being friendly and doesn’t think about me in that way at all… Where it’s a problem is when she talks about other guys she’s seeing casually and I get jealous… How fucked up is that? Why would I be jealous of a woman I’m not actually involved with? Maybe I’m jealous of the men she is with? But again – how fucked up is it that I’m in a long-term committed relationship with a woman that has helped rebuild my life and who is a better partner than I could ever hope for and all I can think about what me and this other woman could achieve together…
I guess this is the point where I confess I also find her more physically attractive than my gf… But appearances really shouldn’t matter that much, right? How fucking shallow can I be? All that this woman has done for me and this is what I’m thinking? And I know she loves me unconditionally.
I’m pretty sure if I even dated this other woman we wouldn’t be a good match… She’s got some growing up to do and tends to catastrophize situations. She’s openly admitted she wouldn’t mind marrying multiple times and just wants to be a rich wife… Not attractive in the least.
But I keep wanting to take her to dinner and laugh together. Watch a movie on the couch. See what she feels like to hold at night… See real affection in her eyes for me. I just want to know if she thinks about me ever… It’s been 6 months and I just thought it was a crush that would go away, but it hasn’t. Admittedly I haven’t really tried to avoid these thoughts… I find them so exciting…
I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I made a decision that if she told me she thought about me in that way too, I’d try to kiss her. And I don’t feel like I would fully regret that action in the moment … Maybe putting this all out in the world will get it off my mind… Maybe I should just tell her and have her reject me so I leave her alone…
More realistically I should go to a therapist… I just can’t keep her out of my head.
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