I’m just a high school sophomore. I’ll be a junior soon, but I don’t think I’ll even last these remaining two years of school. Ever since I moved to this school at the end of my 4th grade year I have been bullied, while not all of it was physical its still messed me up. There was this kid who used to throw markers and blocks at me. And in 6th grade he told everyone I was gay and dating my best friend. It was true, but that made it all hell for me. Covid hit and I couldn’t even motivate myself to do the school work. Fast forward to 7th grade, covid is still around so we only had one teacher who taught every subject. No class switching. People found out I was transgender, FTM. Now? Everyone continues to think I’m weird. The LGBTQ+ stuff wore off in freshman year but I hate who I was in Middle school, because its ruined me. I can’t be myself anymore. Nobody at this stupid ass school likes me, my own friends are toxic despite being supportive. I have guys constantly making sexual comments about me, while I’m in the room. My teacher doesn’t do shit. I’ve become so socially anxious that I can’t even encourage myself to speak to people outside of my friend group. I’m falling behind. Home life doesn’t help either. The constant nagging to go hang out with people, the fact that I’m not allowed to have my own socials unless my parent has my passwords and shit, and the fact that they read my texts with everyone. I feel so isolated and there isn’t anything I can do. It’s made me suicidal. I’m pretty sure my parent has seen my self harm scars, but they never say anything. It only makes me feel worse, like nobody cares. I know I haven’t been the best person in life, I’d never straight up say, “oh I’m so perfect”, nobody is. But no matter how hard I try to be good, people always find a reason to stab my heart out. I can’t do this. I’ve never been so close to killing myself. I’ve started using my mechanical pencils to scratch my arms as a resort of self harm. It’s horrible. This sucks. I feel over dramatic and I don’t know what to do. I can’t even get myself to eat without feeling sick, and sleeping is harder than ever.
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