Attracted to my priest.

I’m attracted to my priest. I’m just not sure exactly what kind of attraction… for why. Or rather, what desires I’m feeling, if any. He’s older, he’s not even conventionally attractive, and I’m pretty sure he’s married. Why God would lead to me this church and this man for 5 years for this to happen is beyond me.

I love seeing him and his fancy vestments. I love it when he stares at me (which he does A LOT). I love it when he signs the cross on my forehead. I like his accent and his eyes. And apparently, something about him is making some part of me drawn in. I feel physical sensations I don’t want to feel… but at the same time, have no desire for things like dating, kissing or sex. I feel uncomfortable if I try to imagine it. But I wanna be near him… I want him to stare at me… I even want him to notice the stupid way I’ve started blushing around him. This is so stupid and so wrong and so bothersome that I’ve considered just never ever going back. I’m sure no one would really notice.

What’s even more weird is this priest kneeled before me the first time we met. Who does that? He also stares at me intensely and I feel vulnerable when he does it. He addresses me by name in front of everyone loudly, but doesn’t do the same to others. It’s odd. Oh well. Guess I’ll go back to my solitude and never attending church or trying to make connections. Don’t know what else to do. I have BPD, I don’t feel things lightly and can’t just ignore this…