I know what the title sounds like just read on. I was watching this show called baby reindeer and it triggered me into remembering something, My cousin raped me. It wasn’t the first time I’ve been raped and we’re both minors, but with him it was different. We’re the same age, and I wish I could say I fought him off or bite him, or screamed or ran but I didn’t. I laid still in the darkness and let him hump into me. And I let him do that multiple times, whenever we see each other- family events or just one off visits. He finds me in a quiet dark place, and I don’t fight it. In some weird fucked up way, I think I like it. I think I like being used, I’m important when he does that to me. Because at least I’m good for something, or for someone. He doesn’t answer my texts anymore, I never really text him anything important. I was raped, but when the shame went away I went back for more. I kept putting myself in weird situations where he could catch me, random visits to his house, going on birthday trips. I hate it but I love it. I stay awake thinking about it. I was raped before, one of my fucking groomers died, but him. I just can’t not keep him around. He takes advantage of me, but I let it happen. I’m gonna try and forget about this after I press send.
Let me just say this you are a victim. I hope you don’t just shove this down b/c it always comes back in sneaky ways. stop going back to him I know you feel like you are complicit in this but this is you just trying to cope with the situation you were dealt with. You are an important and valuable person you don’t need to be used that way to be important