Ever since I turned 12, I became fat and ugly.
I have been fat and ugly for many years now. Eventually I have become an ugly person inside too, but maybe it’s always been that way. People give me love but I do not feel it. I feel like everyone has just been taking pity on me. Recently I have been overhearing conversations from many people.
These conversations consist of them saying that they will be fake in order to remain on people’s good side. I noticed that they treat me less tolerantly. I’m walked in on in embarrassing situations frequently now. As an ugly person, I try to be cleanly and do my I diligences. I’ve must have fallen behind because I’ve must have fallen behind.
I don’t feel human. I feel like a monster. I try my best to act confident but I feel I do not deserve this confidence. There is a deep void in my life. There is but one family member who truly loves me. I am truly seen as ugly.
It breaks my heart when I have to watch from afar. People bursting with passion over happy relationships. People able to wear whatever they want with confidence and radiance. My classmates often hate my Prescence. I often annoy others by being myself. I’m an outgoing person but recently I feel less motivated.
I’m hurt. I deeply wish to have long lasting friendships or relationships. I often can’t tell the difference between love and friendship. I know that I’m not worth time. I’m not saying this for pity or to feel down.
I feel a deep severing agony that leaves a void in my heart. It feels that I’m endlessly falling. I give up on things. I’d much rather watch people be happy from afar, at least… that’s what i keep telling myself. Deep down inside it hurts. i really have no one.
I’ve contemplated suicide many times before. I don’t want to drag out any sympathy baiting or anything. I genuinely wonder if i should kill myself. I don’t want to stay here if all i can be is making others look prettier compared next to me. My heart toils in my bed as i toss and turn, vowing to swear off any food. I even had an ED. I got out of my ED on my own, but I feel I didn’t “do a good enough job”. When i lost weight due to throwing up meals, i got many compliments and much praise. I’ve gained more back than i had and people now look at me with disgust. I need a push. I’m too afraid to do it but i feel like it would be the right thing to do. I bring shame upon my family with my looks and cursed persona. i bring nothing but shame and annoyance to those around me. Love is dead to me because i don’t experience it. Could a God even love me? The self-pity for myself is disgusting. If i should kill myself, i really need a good push and help to get over these stupid doubts.
i often have dreams where i want to approach distant people of my past. they are always out of reach as i watch them from afar.
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