functional.

I was told I’d be dead yrs before age 30. That was many yrs ago.
Heres where all this started for me. As a tiny boy after hearing the name Jesus i asked him in my heart. I felt something enter me. The whole world around me changed. My body stayed but i seemed to travel to Heaven. I met a glowing man in a robe with long brown hair. He said he was Jesus. He told me i was very special. I had been sent here to help. He told me why i was here. Then he sent me back; but left the Holy Spirit in me as a guide. It talks to me. Tells me what is asked of me. I must choose to do it.
Scientifically i can explain the Spirit. It could be part of my sub-concious. What i can’t determine is how i knew about Heaven; what Jesus looked like; about the Holy Spirit; about so many things I’d later see in the Bible. I also don’t know why i had such an advanced knowledge of space. How did i know things scientists are just now figuring out? It couldnt have been from TV; I’d never seen one. They didnt even put science on TV way back then. No one talked to me. The people around me then had zero science knowledge I’d later learn. So where did i get it? Was i just born smart?
Either way. I seem to be addicted to trying to help. My whole life i tried to help people. Ive been using this old phone that often wont work to try to reach out & guide people to understand those they see as enemies. Trying to make things better for all of you. But i seem to be confused. My mind just wont work right. I’m so tired. I’m mostly living on water & crackers. I just don’t have much left.
I need to just concentrate on myself & my kids. Even the Holy Spirit seems to be telling me that. But i seem to be adicted to trying to help others.
What is wrong with me? Right until his death my dad still yelled at me that i wasnt his. He saw my blond haired blue eyed kids & said they couldnt be his. My mom still sayes i was the ugliest baby she ever saw; & that I’m still ugly. I’m autistic. No one except my ex wife ever really wanted me. Why can’t i just give up? Why do i keep fighting to help the world when it seems intent on destroying itself?