honestly just a well overdue rant

just gonna start where it feels the most loud in my head. so many little things remind me of her. the sunset, triscuits, good music, nature, everywhere i go i think i could find a piece of her no matter what and it kills me because i cant figure out how i feel. i cant tell if i wanna find a piece of her in eveything because i love her or because shes my best friend at thus poibt. all i know is shes so easy to talk to and when i see something or do something important shes the first one i wanna tell almost all the time. i cant tell if i want her to be more than just my friend because if im honest with myself i cant see a future with her, or anyone for that matter. i dont see myself with the happy loving and healthy relationship i always dreamed of in my past toxic relationships. but at the same time i feel so empty when im alone, but thats why im alone. because i dont want to make someone go through that roller coaster of my attempt at personal growth. going on this journey alone has been so rough but i know that i have so much left and i wont make someone else a part of that. i can get better on my own. i need to get better on my own i rely on others too much i need to be less dependent on the people i love. but then i get into that headspace and i push people away. its like my emotions are controlled by a fucking lightswitch. im either way too attached and clingy and dependent and annoying or im cold and dry and only staying because i dont wanna hurt someone. i feel like ill never be able to fully open up to someone. i cant tell people the biggest thing about me and my life because im so scared itll change everything. even her, we’ll call her june. i know she woukldnt care, not even a little i know that down to my fucking core. every inch of me knows that if i told her right now the one thing i avoid telling people at all costs she wouldnt care. but i dtill cant help feeling like everything would change, like i would be able to notice the change in her eyes when she looks at me and thats the most painful part. telling anyone no matter how trustworthy or accepting or whatever theyll be of it i can see the switch flip. it makes me sick. it ruins my relationships with people. even if its all on me its still painful. i feel like ill never fully get better, like after the hospital everything changed. everything got worse, understandably so, i almost died that will always take a toll. but it felt like i did die. for over a year i felt like i wasnt experiencing my life in my body. i felt like i was watching from afar, not really there, just a shell of myself and who i once was. its still numbing to think about. how little i cared about everything. i went from such a good student, so many friends, always nice to everyone, to only talking when soomeone else spoke first, skipping days because i just couldnt pull myself out of bed, becoming more and more self destructive. i just gave up, and the worst part was no one noticed. i mean my doctor did when he noticed i was always smilling at my appointments but what else was i supposed to do to keep the tears back. saying i have ptsd never feels right, until i remember how bad it got. being able to tell when my iv was going bad before there was any visual sign, up literally all night, getting maybe 3 hours every few days, on so many drugs i had to have multiple iv stands, having to relearn all the basic skills a fucing child learns, how to swallow, how to stand how to walk all of it it was the most miserable and suicidal ive ever been. not to mention all the medication i was on causing intense weight gain throwing me even deeper into my already thriving eating disorder. still havent ever gotten more than a month into recovery and were coming up on 4 years in 2022. i feel like i start to make progress and im finally proud of myself because im happy with my life and myself and who i am and where im at and then all of a sudden im back to sleeping all day, counting ever nubmer religiously, planning my day so strict around the exercise and not wanting to eat anytihng or see anyone. not eve nthe motivation to texft people back or read notifications at all sometimes. and right now i know i need to eat i dont want to reset my progress and i havent eaten in probably almost 8 hours now and im starving i know i havent eaten adn that i need to but i jsut cant get myself out out of bed. i cant get up and see whats for dinner or even want to eat. and i know part of it is because im sick too but theres only so much i can blame on the sickness when i know thats not it. i think ive talked myself out now. i think ill be able to hear my own thoughts now, at least for the night. hopefully
-dj