I act kind so no one feels the way I did

I act like I’m the kindest, nicest person in the world but that’s only because I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever loved. Both sets of my grandparents, my best friend, my mom, my cat, they all died. I had a miscarriage, I- my biggest confession is that I act kind to people because I grew up wishing I wasn’t here so I could be with the people I love, and I don’t want anyone to feel like that