The title seems misleading but it is the best way I can think to describe what I’m feeling. I didn’t actually murder anyone, and Her death was an accident that was not related to me. This is about unreasonable guilt. Let’s start from the beginning.
I met Her in 6th grade. We were assigned to sit at the same table in class. For my whole life I’ve struggled with mental illness, even since I was a small child, and my mental health was at an all-time low for these years of my life. At the time, middle school felt like a dog-eat-dog world, that I had to be an asshole to survive, that I had to pick fights and curse and stand up for myself because nobody else would do it for me. This, combined with the fact that I was incredibly depressed, anxious and suicidal, led me to taking it out on the people around me.
I honestly don’t remember who started the whole thing. Either way, something about Her rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe I was jealous. She was pretty, popular with a good social life, always completely nonchalant and unbothered, She had nice things and above all just… was happy.
The first ‘punch’ thrown that I can remember was my doing. She was talking about something or other, and frankly it just pissed me off. I snapped at Her, told Her nobody cares about what She had to say. I don’t know if that was the start of it or not. Most of my memories from this time are blurry at best.
I can’t remember what all was said, only that we argued and traded insults a lot. She never seemed bothered by it, but then again, I did my best to hide it too. Once, She made fun of my teeth. That night, I brushed my teeth over and over again until my gums bled. (Not related to the story but upon reflection, I’m not sure if it was the vigorous brushing that got me or the fact that I’ve recently discovered that I’m allergic to fluoride, so who really knows.)
That school year ended, and I never saw Her again.
I’m a sophomore in high school now, so its been about 4 years since I last saw her at this point. I had heard rumors about a car crash on Halloween night, but I didn’t think much of it. It was maybe November 3rd when they released the statement. When they released the names.
I tried my best not to think about Her in the years after. When I read Her name on that list, it all sort of came rushing back to me.
She was dead.
I started to think after that. I thought a lot about Her. I kept wondering, what if She remembered me? What if She was laying there, dying, and thinking to Herself of all the people who had been so cruel to Her, my name on that list. What if I had hurt Her? I’ve matured a lot in these 4 years, I thought I was justified in my anger then but I know I wasn’t now, I know I tried to hurt Her, and I’m so scared it worked.
Then, I started with what I’ve been calling “time travel guilt”.
The idea that a single different choice I could have made could have prevented this from ever happening. That maybe just one kind word could have prevented Her from getting into that car years later, a butterfly effect theory sort of mindset. That I could have done anything else, and just one different choice could have saved Her, but I chose to be cruel anyway. It ate at me. It still does.
I’m a spiritual person, and sometimes when I need advice or closure and I don’t know where else to go, I turn to my tarot cards. I try to channel my ancestors usually, hoping that their higher knowledge of worlds beyond or some shit can help me. That night, I tried talking to Her.
I don’t know if I spoke to Her, my ancestors, or somebody else, but I do know whoever it was told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to move on. That I was disgracing Her memory by clinging so selfishly to it. And I tried, I tried so hard to forget Her. It worked for a time, but Her face keeps haunting me.
There are shrines set up, memorials, flowers. A gut punch of a reminder each time I see them. Hell, the other day I saw somebody wearing a goddamn shirt with Her face on it!
And I’m trying hard, I really am, but it just seems so impossible to forget, it feels like I have a duty to remember Her, to remember that I was the asshole who bickered with Her constantly over the course of a whole year of our miserable lives.
I know I don’t matter.
I know, logically, She forgot all about me by the time of Her passing.
And there might be something even more horrible about that than there is than the idea that I could have made a difference but didn’t. On a cosmic scale, I am nothing. Worth less than a speck of dust. My existence means absolutely nothing, least of all to Her.
I’m so sorry for everything.
I just wish I could give this apology to Her.
hey man, from one person guilty over thinking you’re the cause of death to the other, it’s not your fault.
I’m sure you’ve probably had moments where you doubt you had anything to actually do with it, and you should listen to that voice.
I personally feel responsible for numerous deaths, but at the end of the day, I’m not the one that actually killed them. It was never intentional for either of us to make them die. And she was just in an accident, it’s horrible but it is NOT your fault.
I’m not sure you’ll ever read this, but if you do, I hope you keep that bit of advice with you at all times.
I felt like that when my can died. I kept thinking oh, if I got mom to take him to the vet a week sooner or oh, if I bought a diferent kind of fucking food he would be fine. But soon I just thought “I should stop to think. I know this is not my fault. And even if it was, what’s done is done, and the past is the past.” Calm down and think of this if you get upset. Don’t Try to forget it, focus on it and think of how you are a good person and that’s not your falt, and if it was, you had no ban intentions and this was a acsadent. You will be ok soon.