I’ve suffered from bipolar disorder and clinical depression my whole life. My family, who don’t believe in mental illness, are constantly mad at me for my “moods” (which are actually episodes that I have very little control over) and have spent the majority of my life arguing with me about every possible thing. I was diagnosed rather young, and my parents decided to not follow any treatment plan, and that this was something I would “grow out of”.
And as angry and frustrated as this would always make me, I always clung to the idea that when I move out ill finally be able to get the help I need. Its the single thing that has kept me sane over the past years.
But, slowly, I’ve noticed myself not feeling anything at all.
I don’t get angry, upset, or even react when something happens that would normally send me spiraling into mania. And in that regard, I’m not actually upset about my lack of aggression.
However, I also don’t feel happy or excited ever.
Like, I’m just simply existing in a world with things happening all around me and nothing even phases me. I’ve lost any emotion I once had, and I’ve been losing every part of myself that I once held close.
Everything just feels so empty.
And the worst part is, my family says that I’ve been “fixed” of all my problems because I haven’t been “acting out”. I still cant decide which hurts more, the fact that my parents only care about the actions that apply to them, or the fact everyone else would be so much more happy if I just gave up on feeling anything at all.
I dont know how to think about this, and I don’t know if I should just give up on trying to fix my lack of emotion.
Because even with all of the crap my family drags me through, they are still my family. And I love them.
And I can’t decide whether to put them first or myself.
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