i just need to write this down in hooes that it will help

I highly doubt this will actually help, but here I go anyway, So I graduated from high school in the summer of 22. I decided to take a gap year so i could have a little more time to think about collage and honestly..I’m not ready to grow up yet…I’ terrified of the idea of mocing out and leacing the ones i loce the most behind, Im not sure if it’s because i know im going to have to work a lot harder than others my age )for context i am a blind autistic person) having said that my whole family doesn’t think that’s a good enough reason to be feeling how i am. All the stress of trying to find a new place to live, a job, and all while trying to find resources to help me succeed in life is really making me deel burnt out and incredibbly depressed. I’ve recently been thinking of taking what my aunt refers to as “the cowards way out” (unaliving myself). I thought about it alot last night, wrote my note sent my partner and friends from highschool a good-bye text and was about to do the deed when my best friend called me, I ended up lying to her and telling her that i was fine, but after she hung up the phone all I could do was cry. I kept telling myself that it’s selfish to do this to myself bc despite what my mind tells me, i know i have people who care about me and would be really hurt if i were to unalice myself. And yet, I find myself both angry and thankful my friend called me, I wish everyone would just forget about me and stop locing me so i can just die and not feel bad for dieing. and yet im still wishing they dont forget about me, so i dont have to be alone…i really dont know what to do, I cant go to therapy and im afraid if i go to my grandparents they will have me sent to an in patient facility, i know i should just grow up and get over myself but it’s hard. I feel so broken, like ttheres this crushing weight that I need to keep up. and again ik “everyone feels like this get ocer yourself and just do what everyone else does and get a job get a degree and lice life” But its hard. Sorry, i know this was a little all ocer the place and theres probably a lot of spelling errors I’m sorry