hi. recently i went out with friends somewhere i never went, an open lecture, some people i knew were there, most i haven’t seen in my life, i was looking around and realised how normal and real everyone was, they were talking, chatting joking around like normal people, i was laughing with them , but i couldn’t help but wonder, why? their voices sounded like distant echos muffled by the volume of my own thoughts, a girl was asking me if i had a pen she could borrow; but all i could hear is the sound of my own head, i stuttered and said “no sorry”. i had a spare pen, it was in my hand, why did i say no? not sure. it feels like i’m trapped inside my head and i can’t get out, i don’t have friends, i always leave them, save myself the heartache of them getting bored of me, and save myself the headache of keeping up with them and acting like i care about their day, or how their crush looked at them for split second, ugh. i don’t even care about myself, i am uncapable of caring for others, doesn’t mean i actively hurt them or let bad things happen to them, i’m not a monster, i do feel empathy, a suffocating amount even, i just don’t connect with people so i’d care for them like you’d care for a loved one. i have so much love in me but i’m incapable of showing it, so i just remove myself for the better, no one deserves to deal with me, no good person at least. all i ever wanted was to be loved and accepted just the way i am, i accept horribly horrifying people in hopes of them doing the same to me, maybe they’ll feel touched by the fact that someone is willing to sympthise and care for them despite their horrible wrong doings, they never do. they always take advantage of it , it’s so stupid of me to think someone would see my flaws and they’d still stay, they don’t even have to see them and they leave, why does everyone leave, i try my best, i open myself to them, i care for them, i make compremises, i understand them, i am gentle with them, i do things that are so hard for me just so i could be a person worthy of them, is that not enough? what more do they want? what the fuck am i doing wrong? is it the way i look? or the sound of my voice? or the way i move? what is that drives everyone i love away? why does nobody love me? am i not enough? why does everyone leave ? i just want someone to stay, please
Today, I went to the beach front with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is totally off topic but I had to tell someone!