i think that i have always been a compulsive liar and a kleptomaniac and im scared that that has ruined my mother’s happiness and marriage.
the first instance of petty theft i remember is stealing coins from my stepdad when i was 8 . i didnt need the coins and i remember the horrible shame of being caught. i remember that he called the act rotten and evil coming from a child. he has disliked me ever since and has refused to talk to me for the last 9 years. i kept on taking small things like chocolate and sweets from him and i would get caught and experience the shame over and over again but i havent been able to stop.
the worst part is that often im not even able to remember the actual act of theft. i steal from every shop i go to and i have stolen from friends but that is not even my main concern right now.
i think his disgust of me is what slowly ruined their marriage , because they have always had issues about the fact that he had such a problem with me. even though he hates me, i have always deeply respected and i completely understand his feelings. i feel so deeply ashamed every time i am in the home with both of them and i cant look both of them in the eyes anymore. for example, i have ruined easter because my step dad found wrappers from some chocolate that i took from his belongings in y room. the easter breakfast was completely tense and i couldnt even look at anyone without feeling sick. the worst part is that i know that my mother is so so deeply ashamed of me. if i had a child like myself i wouldnt know how to love them. my mother and step dad dont trust me at all (for good reason ) and have even told my younger half siblings how rotten i am.
i cant wait until i leave home in two years and let them be a happy family without me always being the problem. i hope that without me there, everything for them will be tension free and hopefully my mother will be able to look at my stepdad without feeling shame because of me.
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