When I was younger I started faking sick a lot so I didn’t have to go to school, even as early as elementary school. I remember standing on top of stairs thinking about trying to push myself down, just so I wouldn’t have to go.
My mental health declined, and in 8th grade I got a therapist and psychologist, and got put on antidepressants.
A couple years later i felt better. I wasn’t getting as depressed as often, I was functional
Now im in university. I’m in a happy long distance relationship
But I don’t feel fine. I’m starting to get more depressed again, feeling awful about myself and everyone around me. I’m thinking more and more about self harm (though i never actually stopped self harming, it just got less), and im starting to notice patterns of wanting to harm myself in different ways, like depriving myself of food so i’d get skinnier.. so people would get concerned about me being skinny.
And I know I should get help probably. And I know its behaviour that usually means i want other people to help me. But i also dont. I dont want to go back to therapy, and i dont want anyone knowing about how awful i feel. at this point im just scared i will do something i regret, or something that will carry larger consequences. but i dont see a reason to life anymore, and thinking about life and the future just makes me scared.
Keep on going. I know it’s. Hard but you can do it. Every day you outlive yourself is a day longer in the world and sometimes that’s all you’ve got. I love you hope you are okay out there this hit too close to home ❤ we can do this