I want to die so damned bad

I want to die so damned bad, but I know it won’t solve anything. I have no will to live whatsoever. I feel like such a waste of time and resources.

I know I’m loved. My parents are some of the best you could wish for, as are my friends, but I can’t even bear to see them any more. I don’t deserve them, I don’t deserve anything.

I’m a total failure. A serial dropout who lives off of my parents and family’s generosity and kindness. But I am myself a terrible person. If i didn’t believe it would destroy my mother’s life, and if I didn’t believe that it would surely send me to hell, I would have killed myself with my shotgun long ago.

I wish that I had never been born. That nobody had ever lay the eyes on me and decided to love me. I wish that nobody would remember me or know who I am.

But that’s not possible. And so I sit here, crying in secret at a family gathering.

Nobody knows how I am really doing.

That just makes it worse.

I hope I drop dead.