I want to stop thinking out loud

I want to stop thinking out loud and speak my thoughts out loud . I wanna go back to my quiet life like in 2013, and be sneaky about my privacy but because I don’t have friends and I am my only friend and I trust no one after being used for 23 years of my life and on the 24th year I get the same people who enjoy taking advantage of the good people attacking me and calling me names to protect any person who will only end up living their wishes and embitions and they will be standing next to me against them. I have done nothing to anyone, only I started setting boundaries and nobody likes it. I want to be in an engagement relationship with the right guy who is not going to love me for my father’s money and how he looks to the public, but rather he loves me for who I am and what I am and he enjoys spending his money on me and take videos on his mobile with me and take selfies with me and show it off to everyone he knows who kept saying that I am not worth loving when I have been good to everyone and kept on allowing them to be above me, I want such an engagement relationship after my second expired toxic marriage and I don’t want it in the world of chaotic music, I want it more in the world of fashion and where dreams become reality in movies, but I chose solitude because I wanna make sure none of the people who have taken advantage of me would be bothering my fiance and they will not take advantage of his kind heart who believes that everyone is good like him, but nobody is going to be good like him, from my experiences with people, I realized that nobody has a good heart except my family and I and my biological children and my distant cousins and relatives, only no other. What do I do? Shall I keep on being single or shall I accept being engaged to the right guy who knows my worth and wait 3 years with him till we both feel ready for the next step and get married? I wanna do my second big wedding ceremony that is not like the wedding party in a restaurant with a normal dress of my second expired marriage, but rather better than my first wedding ceremony, I wanna do it in my father’s garden backyard in the mountains, where only the people and families we trust are going to be present in our ceremony and I want it to be aired to the public on RealTV Showtime and on FOX Channel and on Netflix, as long as our parents stay private and only my cousins that we trust will be in the video clip of our wedding, because I wanna use it for our reality show honeymoon and vacation trip with the cousins from each of our sides, who deserve the trip vacation with us, even if only few will come with us to the trip that will be aired for the middle east, where those who will be watching, will understand what it means to lose good people like us in their lives.