I am a 54 year old divorced man. I work for a bank in their trust department. I was married for 22 years and have a 20 year old daughter and a 16 year old son. Divorce was the result of two ships sailing apart. I could no longer pretend.
When I was little I played with my penis a lot. When I was older I wanted to see the other boys’ penis in the gym showers and their butts. When I got even older I would position myself to be able to see other men’s penises in public restrooms. I played golf for the bank, I positioned myself in the dressing room to scope other men when they dressed and undressed. One man about fifty had a very hairy butt, I saw him bend over and got a look at his butthole. All these things were fodder for masturbation. I became addicted to gay porn on the internet, I always identified with the bottom, the one being kissed or the one being fucked. I wanted to get fucked, I bought a life sized dildo on the web and had it delivered to a PO Box that I rented, that and anal lube. I worked the dildo until I could insert it completely, which I did with my legs raised in front of a large mirror. I wanted to kiss a man, to suck a man’s dick. All these things but I never acted out on them, or shared my feelings with anyone. Not even anonymously like I am doing now. I have always known I was gay, since I was very young. But gay was not something I could ever be. I have remained in the closet all my life.
Now that I’m single again I don’t know how to approach or be approached by a man. Maybe a waiter, or a salesman in the mall. I want to approach a man my age or older, a big man, and a man with body hair. I can close my eyes and see myself sticking my tongue in that man’s butt from when I played golf. I have joined gay dating sights, but I lose my nerve and have never shown up. I know I need to meet a man with experience who can force the issue, kiss me, touch me, have me touch his penis, suck him, lay down for him and let him on my back. I want to so bad, I don’t know how.
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