As a child I grew up with my mother and her partner. They were quiet enough, but in the home there was open sexual situations and they did not hide their behavior. For the first years, until I was nine, we lived in a small house and I slept on the couch beside their bed. I was supposed to put the pillow over my head while they had sex. I never did, I watched. My mother was open about it, some women just like women. When I grew up I would understand.
I had my first sexual experience with a lesbian. She was nineteen and I was fourteen and she ate me out. I liked it, I mean who wouldn’t. That it was a girl eating me was all right. She showed me her love box and she taught me how to eat her and how to make love in general. My mother understood that I liked her a lot and that she was out right in love with me. My mother was quite happy that I was in a lesbian relationship and not getting screwed like so many girls at school.
Growing up in a lesbian household surrounded by lesbians I never got the opportunity to try ‘dick’ until I went to college. It was seen as not only unnecessary but also giving up your independence. Everyone knew, once you end up under a man, you can’t get over him. So the rule was simple, find a girlfriend and stay away from men. I did. I was in love anyway. As I grew up from fourteen to college age we moved in together and we settled down for the long run.
Unfortunately things happen. In my junior year a ‘male’ got on top of me and did me in with his ‘dick’. I could not get over him and finally out of the need for accepting reality I was released to live with him and be heterosexual. I continue to feel that I’m a lesbian in a warp, stuck in a long term relationship with a man while still being in love with my childhood girlfriend. But she’s not understanding about my need to be with this man. Our love affair is straining and I can’t repair it. Why I let a man get on me I really don’t know. But it has upset my life. I would rather be lesbian than hetero, as far as living is concerned. I’m not very good at living a hetero lifestyle.
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