Masterpiece Mariposa

I was born to be a Masterpiece, like the Monet of Lilly Pads on the fourth floor of the MET Museum in NYC, one of my favorite paintings. Use to sit there for hours trying to figure out the first and last brush strokes he made on the canvas. Artists,we speak and understand each other on a soul level, in a type of symbiotic language. Then my fiance died, a 9 of Clubs in Destiny Cards, we were born 16 years apart, I was younger, more naieve. Then there was you, the 10 of Clubs. Born one day apart from my fiance, of the same tikkune (soul correction) and energetic house. You became the next best thing to focus on, the light in the darkness after losing my best friend of sixteen years. A entertaining musical distraction from my pain, loss, sadness. So I decided to make efforts to allure, connect and seduce you. Be careful what you wish for because the fantasy can sometimes collide with the reality like an airplane crash. Never knew it would actually work. However, what I did not take into account was that you being older, some of your life experiences and failed relationships, including toxic marriages, made you bitter, mean, even revengeful. I wasn’t prepared for my love and lust of you, my surrogate, to turn into a tidal wave of controlling emotional and mental abuse by both you and your entourage of minions who were jealous of what we shared. Was it any of their business? Really, it was too much. Especially having only known the deepest most profound loyal and protective love of my fiance and Best friend. You both had the lovely blonde hair, fair skin, pretty eyes, and we’re petite firecrackers. Where my fiance showed me love; of my soul & mind, curves, skin, juicy lips, you came with criticism and cruelty. I would never be skinny enough or rich enough for you because you and the poor quality of your crappy love would never be loving enough for me and subpar. You are selfish and take, take, take but never give. I hung on to the illusion for a moment longer until recovering from my surgery and you were no where to be found. You were invested not in us or strengthening our connection but invested in running back to your (past) ex after years of separation who karmically (still) married someone else because he never really loved you and proved it in his abuse and disloyalty. It is because you mirror the essence of his abusive nature and his words are lip service with no substance, just like yours. You proved over the years you genuinely care about no one else but your own selfish needs and blatantly ignored mine. The babies you buy and groom to worship you, so you don’t have to feel alone or heal your issues or deal with your immature or toxic behavior is an illusion. Especially when one of their parents is still alive. It is only a matter of time before even they realize how manipulative and abusive you are. Emotional and mental abuse comes in many forms even when you are in denial about the role you play in it although you make it look glamorous. Add on your addictions of alcohol and medications or temporary lovers as distractions to numb your pain, you are a toxic hot mess with an endless supply of money. When you are responsible for your health: you can cut your pills in half, get on the lowest dosage, go natural or go to rehab to manage your sobriety and emotionally abusive habits in love. You stealing from me repeatedly to get my attention was taking it too far, and because of your over inflated ego and toxic gay body double, you never noticed I turned my back on this connection years ago. You did not recognize your unwillingness to change or obsessive tendency to crave attention no matter the toxic source (at your age) is destructive to every connection around you including ours. Quantity is not the same as quality but you have never known the difference. A diamond could be in front of you but you will still settle for cubic zarconia. In your foolish mind games, and abusive bs you forgot the simplicity of truth; I know real love, not the kind that abandons you for younger, a tighter ass, firmer breasts or money. I know a real love rooted in 16 years of genuine friendship and mutual concern for each other’s well being, a love that dreamed together about building a home, gay marriage, babies, vacations, family dinner parties, making love in international locations for fun. A love that still grows fruit in the Garden of Eden, that although death separated our physical bodies, our souls and love are still eternally entwined even now. You, in your insecurities thought your never ending games over years, your controlling toxic smothering nature, money or fame would ever make up for the lack of loving investment in us or me as an individual, while you invested in ghetto street rats, a toxic sex cult or weird expectations of walking in and out of my life without empowering our connection or me, expecting me to wait for bread crumbs was a mistake on your part. I am no longer the young lady who fell in love with you as my substitute for another love lost to death. You had years to make things right, to invest into us, to build a foundation based in friendship and real love but as the older of us, you failed to act like an adult or a leader in genuinely nurturing our connection and invested in superficial things, and undermined what we shared. The pandemic proved the truth of your focus, commitment to everyone else but us and neglect. Thank you, because I have complete clarity about who you are, what we have never been, will never be and am wide awake from every illusion. I was there for you, always supporting and encouraging you for 25 years and then I woke up from the toxic fairy tale and withdrew all my energy because you did not do the same for me. It is what happens when you take someone for granted who cares for you without much reciprocity. Your lack of integrity and character showed it’s true colors in your inability to ever apologize or make atonement for your shitty behavior. I am indifferent to assholes now and am no longer wasting my time with an ungrateful heart because I know my worth and that I deserve better than you. Always have and always will deserve an upgraded quality of love and avoid you at all costs. I know now Rejection is God’s protection. Grateful you showed me the polarity of fake love versus real love and to never settle for less. So I won’t. I will always be grateful for the truth, especially the closure you were never decent enough to give me. Try not to feel to guilty as I continue to rise without your support or encouragement as always. My apologies for mistakingly believing she died, so I could build a life with you. The projection and the truth and healing are my complete responsibility. Song Dedication: Wide Awake by Katy Perry