To put it simply, I’m in love with him. We’re both teenagers, and in hindsight I know how stereotypical this all is. He has a boyfriend, and of course they’re no good for him. He agrees with me that they are terrible to him but confided in me that he stays to feel loved. But I know I could make him feel loved. I long for the feeling of his fingers massaging my scalp, or running my palms down his arms while I prop my chin on his shoulder for reassurance. I want to make him feel seen, to let him know that I care.
But I can’t. I’m not brave enough. I know that neither me or his boyfriend are good choices romantically. I’m scared. Of so many things, but especially this. I’ve never felt this way about someone, let alone a boy. He’s so comfortable being himself and it’s beautiful. He’s beautiful. His loose curls and those glasses that sit so perfectly on his nose. I like that he calls me out on stuff and doesn’t sit idly just following every opinion that I have. I like that sometimes when we have conversations we have opposing opinions and we still get along. I like that he understands me even when I’m at my lowest.
He let me know multiple times he tells me more than he tells his boyfriend, And every time I think about that a sick sense of pride swells inside of me. I know it’s wrong. By god I know it’s so goddamned wrong, but fuck. I feel so guilty, sitting here, typing this. I’ve been writing him letters to cope, letters I don’t think I’ll ever send.
We were each others only friends for months. Part of me misses when it was just us. He only has me, one other friend, and his boyfriend. I don’t want to confess and take away one of his friends and make him lonelier than he already is. I can’t bare do that to him. It’s too cruel. I can’t bare do that to myself and lose my first choice. love scares me.
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