My father is an alcoholic abusive narcissist, and besides landing himself in prison a few times while raising me he hasn’t really gotten the justice that he deserves for not only majorly ruining my childhood, but hurting my poor folks we share familial relations with.
He will never be in my life again, no matter how much he tries, or what kinds of gifts, or what kinds of words he gives me. I want him to keep trying, and failing, for the rest of his life, and for him to come to the sad realization that these are the worst mistakes he ever made, and he’ll never measure up to fixing them. Because he can’t. He’s not even average. He’s less than average. To me he’s nothing.
I feel happy that for once he can be the cause of his own unconditional suffering, because after all, he never gave me unconditional love. Anything bad that happens to him, especially his own useless attempts at fixing things he’s way too late to fix, and would only worsen if he got the choice, is all on him, and very deserved.
The ONLY way to fix him is to erase who he currently is, and cure his addiction. Only then could I forgive him. But that would never happen. He will live with that guilt, and uselessness until he dies. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the closest I will ever get to closure with him. I take VERY good care of my health in hopes I will see that day, not that I need to considering I’m a bit more than half his age.
Don’t take this as me saying you should hate an abusive parent. That’s honestly up to you on what you can forgive, or work out. This is just what works for me because some people are beyond hopeless even if you can empathize with them. Some people have hurt you so much that the only thing you can do is cut them out of your life, and enjoy seeing their own crippling loneliness.
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