OCD is deteriorating my brain with no help in sight

I have OCD that was recently diagnosed in 2021. I have always joked I had OCD tendencies even though that was always a true thought. It’s only gotten bad after a med changed my brain for the worse.

The OCD is out of control. At times I’ll have a thought and it feels like a good thought at the time and I have to do it.

Afterwards I’m cringing and wanting to shoot my self. I never had this in the past. Sure, I was impulsive but not like this. Meds no longer work on me and like thousands I did outpatient ECT.

I quit after 4 sessions because they fractured my tooth and it brought back horrible memories I had forgotten. Another avenue I tried to fix my brain ,but it just gets worse and worse.

I know I will finally be able to kill myself this year because of what brain damage the medication caused almost 5 years ago. I am not the old me, and so detached and lost my mind is off the rails.

I can’t take it anymore and am doing things you see in psychological dramas or 48 hours by unstable individuals. I have sadly become that.

I left a few secret voicemails to some project that is free online to call. I thinks voice is better than words, but while I’m telling the truth my mind is in overdrive more than ever.

I call it goo much but nobody talks anymore, so I figure why not? Problem is I cannot stop.

I’m bipolar as I have been since I was a teen and other disorders I struggle with daily but you accept what you are and have, but this new issue is out of control.

These compulsions whether sex, calling numbers, or other strange or addicting behavior is going to put me in an early grave.

My mind won’t shut off and because of my health I am all alone with no remedy.. Trust me I have tried virtually everything.I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and am aware at times I sound crazy even if I’m normally aware of what’s going on,.

I’m just unable to control it. Losing my mind and sick of those in the psychology profession throwing pills at you that make you worse. Outside of a witch doctor, i am beyond screwed and deteriorating at an alarming rate.