When I was younger, around 9 or 10 my Dad would grope me and make sexual comments about me and my mum condoned it and even sometimes made sexual comments as well, when I told them to stop they would say “But you’ll have men grabbing you like this all the time when you’re older so you have to get used to it” eventually after a year or two of this going on I broke down outside a supermarket and cried to my mum about how i found my dad “creepy”. They ended up listening to me and the groping stopped and the sexual comments would lessen drastically. I’d end up learning later this was sexual abuse/assault.
All the accounts of sexual abuse I’ve read the victims always speak of hating their abuser. A twitter post I read said “I wish that everyone who has experienced SA finds out their abuser died” and everyone in the comments were happy over it. I don’t want my Dad to die. I love my Dad. Should I hate him? Should I hate my parents over the fact they were the ones who made me spend years wearing bagging clothing because I was afraid someone was going to find me attractive? Should I be upset they made it that I’m so paranoid that I can’t even be alone in the day without thinking there’s going to be someone around the corner waiting to hurt me? Should I be upset that they were the ones who managed to fuck my mind up so bad that sometimes fantasize about young girls being taken advantage of? Should I be angry that they were the ones who made me afraid of men?
Sometimes I want to be a little girl again and I want my dad to protect me, I want to be held.
Can someone tell me what’s wrong with me? Why I think of things so disgusting it makes me want to die? I’m so tired of this.
yes you SHOULD be angry! what they did was totally wrong and they are the people you should be able to trust the most to care for you and not use you for some perverted sexual kick. remember you have done NOTHING wrong and you are a good person who i hope will have children yourself some day and you will be a fantastic parent x
I’m sorry you grew up in those circumstances.
I was also “sexually abused” growing up, which is or can be a traumatic event, with corresponding triggers that may follow.
I’ve also lived long enough to learn that life is full of traumatic events, which come in all sorts of different ways and at various periods of time. They are simply unavoidable. The challenge for us as humans is to develop the fortitude to rise above such traumatic events (and even in spite of them) to lead healthy, happy and functioning lives.
I’ve also lived long enough to see that on a grand scale: parents aren’t perfect, in fact, they are deeply flawed — hence why they generally want better lives for their children than what they themselves had. Unfortunately, family dysfunction also breeds more family dysfunction.
All that said, now back to your situation:
I would agree that your parents’ behavior, and particularly that of your dad, was harmful to your development, and most likely contributed to your admitted issues with men. However, I would suggest that you find ways to compartmentalize that period of your life, take healthy lessons from the trauma, and force yourself to stop being a victim so that you can get on with your life in a healthy, happy, functioning way. I think we can agree, there’s improvements that could be made on that front.
I can’t speak to your overall upbringing, but beyond these specific traumatic elements of your childhood that you’ve raised, it sounds like you otherwise had a stable household with parents who love you. If this is the case, then perhaps a more constructive way for you to help you deal with these issues once and for all, is to sit them both down and talk about it: how it made you feel, and how it impacted you in your development into adulthood. You can’t predict (nor does it really matter) what their reaction will be. The point of talking to them is so you can put a period on that negative chapter of your life, and move on from it so you can live your life.
As for your admitted fantasies: they are simply that — fantasies. So long as you don’t actually commit such an act, your private thoughts and fantasies are frankly nobody’s business.
Hope this is helpful. Be well.