When I was younger, I had a girlfriend. When we were 15 she approached me, but I was young and stupid. I broke it off with her. We didn’t speak again until I was 22, when we hooked up during Uni. After that, we broke up again, and I didn’t hear from her until I was 30. I was married – and we reconnected and it turned into something physical in moments – We’d always had a deeply physical connection – and we carried on having a physical affair until her Husband found out, about 4 months in.
We parted ways, somehow managing to salvage our relationships with our partners. Both had two children and we’ve kept in contact. Between our first and second child, we became physical again – I must admit, i was a terrible lover. The sex was incredible, but I was emotionally distant. I wouldn’t leave my wife, she wanted to leave her husband.
We had sex, and she got pregnant. We discussed it and she had an abortion, and my entire world came apart. I lost my second child with my wife, my affair partner had a abortion and for the preceeding two-three years, she hated me, and would do anything she could to make life difficult – quite rightly. Really I deserved to lose her, and to lose my wife, family and home. Neither of us lost anything like that – she was broken from the abortion, and I was broken from breaking her.
In the last year or two, we’ve become physical again – and something, deep inside of my has snapped. I am utterly, completely in love with her. I dream of her, think of her and need her all the time. I see her all the time I can, sometimes we sleep together, sometimes we have lunch, sometimes we watch TV and snooze. I cannot stay away from her – but she is completely like I was to begin with – she was aloof, and doesn’t want to open up – Sometimes she does, but she steps back quickly. She says she loves me sometimes, I tell her daily. Whenever she does, she steps back.
The more I know her as my friend and partner, the more I wish I had left those years ago, and I have wasted my life. My wife doesn’t really spend time with me, or want to do anything with me. I’ve tried, years and years to try and fill the hole I made in myself but she is happy on her phone on the otherside of the room. It has driven me further towards, ultimately, someone who doesn’t want to be with me, despite her husband not touching her for 8 years.
I find myself Needier and needier, we keep approaching the edge of never speaking again and breaking up, but it never happens. I find myself day dreaming of being free to be with her, or leaving – But I know she never would leave her husband. It breaks my heart daily, and I find myself anxious, sick, and unable to do anything when she isn’t talking to me. It is affecting my life in every concievable way – when I try to stand up to her and tell her how I feel or ask her for something – she tells me we’re just friends and not lovers and I can’t ask. When I shrink back she is annoyed I don’t text. She reads rafts of texts from me and never responds.
I don’t know what to do. I deserve all of this, and so much more. I deserve to lose everything. I hate myself. I really do hate myself. My son tells me I am amazing and he loves me, but I know inside I am utterly worthless and I do not deserved to be loved – and as such it becomes true. I do not deserve love, I deserve to be this broken and unhappy for the rest of my life. I deserve misery.
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