I call what I’m on a confession and apology tour. I’ll confess to f**ked up truths here to get it out of my brain. After a bit regarding what it is, I tell the person if it makes sense. I usually find myself doing the apologies first as they knew what I did, they just hated me, continue to hate me or perhaps don’t know it was me. See why I call it both?
It brings up a lot of dark crap when I was beyond suicidal and at times crazy in the moments I did these things. I’m not a junkie or a drunk. I just do things like the joker once said. I always have. I’m beyond impulsive, random, unpredictable not to mention self destructive. As sad as that is as well as bad, you girls love this. It’s stupid. Bad things happen.
I recently apologized to a woman I was involved with 30 years ago. I was younger than her by a lot but lost my mind when she came onto me and did certain things. Now, we would call this woman a predator. I never saw her as that. She was a babe and I had her.
She still is hot at her age now all these years later. What I did many assumed was her fault by how she came onto me at her job a few years before I lost it. I was a suicidal mess and not myself.
I recently wrote her a letter the other day and if she reads it, the apology didn’t go as planned. I found myself spouting out the whole history of us as dark and sexual albeit strange it was, as well as the why. Now, I crapped on myself as usual (I don’t like myself) as I’m still a mess albeit in a different way, but I also brought up her problem.
I sadly did this often. It doesn’t feel like an apology. I find myself haunted by even trying to apologize. I won’t ever try again with her but I felt I had to try. I wasn’t allowed to apologize by authority figures for years because they said it’s better to let it go. How can you let something bad go? Somehow, I did and I moved on in life doing more stupid things and regretting what I remember later on. There are many.
Unfortunately, the mere mention of her name by anyone brings back terrible flashbacks and I sometimes become the ex-sex addict I once was. I guess once an addict always one. Only for me it was sex. Despite the intense sexual overtones related to her and I, I actually loved her and I know she really liked me.
I never thought it was truly possible being the way she was but I am good at reading people and know when they lie. She liked me, she just felt bad of coming onto me so often and what transpired afterwards, and also felt bad when I scared her.
She told others who relayed it somehow to me (authority figure friend of hers that knew our relationship or whatever you want to call it) told me she blamed herself. I don’t blame her at all. I never did.
I became more suicidal when I was taken away after accidentally scaring her. She didn’t have me arrested because she didn’t want the attention because there were others over the years. She was a private person despite her urges and flirting. She also felt bad. She still was angry though. Who wouldn’t be?
I realized later on she did me a solid as I’d have gotten raped to death and killed in jail. It was a whole bloody, bad mess all around me and her. She told me when I was older at a bar when we flirted heavily all over again that she cared about me, even when she shouldn’t. This admission soothed me in some way because figured she was up to something nefarious and horny again, but she was telling the truth. She was mega horny though. We often were when around each other.
She wasn’t drinking much and she gave me those looks she did all those years previous. These were the non-sexual ones. I usually got the former but they were often crossing paths. She had guilt and I adored her. She kept doing it and I let it go because she was gorgeous and I liked her. Most guys liked it. I liked both. Big difference.
I find myself wanting to do something bad but I know I won’t. Not to her or anyone in particular, just myself. Writing the damn letter has her in my brain again and I feel bad all over again as I did almost 30 years ago when I accidentally scared her.
Some people should just continue to be haunted by stupid or bad things they did in their past and not even bother. I figured it was good to try but now I feel I’m 17 again when all this bad stuff happened and I was taken away. If you ever read this Ms ***, I am truly sorry. Back into the shadows I will go.
*Name is not required.