I’ve done some stupid and impulsive things over the years. Some haunt me and others just make me laugh or shake my head. It’s rare though compare to when I was much younger.
A few months ago I blacked out and did something I only realized I actually did by seeing a receipt in my inbox. I collapsed upon seeing it. I was and still am haunted by it. Cops came weeks later, too late really and I knew I was going away.
I want to apologize, but everyone says not to bother. If I hadn’t confessed to doing it in the first place nobody would have found out, but I was and am still haunted. It was minimal compared to most but it only happened by a trigger.
It was highly impulsive and random as I’ve always been, but I’m not allowed to apologize. It’s frowned upon in society today when to me it’s the right thing to do as she deserves it. I scared her from afar when I blacked out.
It’s happened before almost 30 years ago in a much worse situation and that haunts me even worse. They won’t let you apologize, so how can you make amends? Forever haunted.
From CoDA:
Make amends to those you can, except when to do so would cause further harm.
Take the loss, accept it as a painful part of who you are, and try to move forward