It’s by far not as grave as other confessions I got to read on this plattform, however it still bothers me.
I am now 20 and never had a boyfriend, not that I was actively pursuing a relationship. Quite the contrary, dating in school seemed rather futile and short lived to me, besides I had never quite liked someone enough to want to date them.
Now I tought that at this age is when I should be looking around and date seriously but even now in Uni it never came to anything close and most advances were infantile and not in my fancy. 3 months ago, when I got myocarditis, my father arranged an ultrasound appointment with his colleague, I thought it would be another old fossil just like my dad. Well he wasn’t quite the youngster but considerably younger than the rest of his acquaintences.
He was so very charming, my god, when we were in his office and he asked me about my general symptoms I got a slight stutter and could feel that I was getting red like a tomato and sweating. I had quite literally NEVER acted like that in front of a man, at least not that bad. At some point my dad left us alone to make the ultra sound. My heart was beating so hard in my chest, in hindsight I could imagine that it messed with the results of the ultra sound. We did not even talk, but the way he moved and his mannerisms, I thought they were so charismatic. After the appointment I spent a long time trying to find out his name, but didn’t want to ask my dad, as he would likely find it suspicious. At long last I did find out by coincidence, but this man is nowhere to be found on social media, he does not have instagram, he does not have any professional profiles in linkedin and the like, I was only able to dig up an over a decade old article from his homeland, where he is mentioned as one of the smartes students who made it here. Which is also the moment I realised he is older than I had anticipated, if my calculation are correct, he must be around 37 years old now if not older. I could imagine that he is already married or even has kids, but during the appointment I was too preoccupied with my act to look for a ring on his fingers.
I don’t know what to do, I had never had thoughts like these over a man and I feel so guilty for my dad as well. It feels like my feelings had also gotten stronger over the months, I don’t understand how. To the point I had contemplated overexerting myself in sports again, just so that I could get another appointment with him.
Perhaps I am giving this too much thought and this is normal, but I don’t know what the norm is. I am incapable of expressing my feelings in person, or rather to any person that I know in real life, I just needed to share this somewhere.
In case anyone read this till the end, thank you))
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