One day, about a year and a half ago i came to school one day and the whole demeanour felt different. Every time i liked at my friend i smiled and blushed but i didn’t know why. After a week I decided that maybe there was a possibility that i was gay, and maybe there’s a possibility that I liked him romantically. I could not stop thinking of him, whether it was in school, at home, when i tried to fall asleep,when i tried my hardest hit to think about him, i all did. I couldn’t help myself, he was perfect. The way he looked at me, the way he made me laugh, the way he said my name,the way he hugged me. It was all perfect. I craved him, even though i knew i would never be able to get him. This went on for a solid 5 months. Sometimes i couldn’t even eat because the butterflies in my stomach wouldn’t allow me to. Since then, I’ve been on and off with having a crush on him and have fully accepted that I’m pansexual. I’ve had a crush on him for the past 7months ago and its the worst it’s ever been. About five months ago, he got a girlfriend but i was the last person to know,even though i was his best friend and he’d always say he’d tell me first. When he told me at school it hurt. He could see it in my face. He asked me what was wrong and i didn’t want to say so i just told him I’d tell him the next time we were one on one instead of in public. About a week passed and i told him that it just came as a shock because of the reasons i previously mentioned. What i did not tell him was that i yearned for him, that i was angry and wanted him to be mine. Every single time since then that we have hung out he has mentioned his girlfriend and it stings every single time. It hurts every single time. I just get do jealous. I used to be his first choice. I used to be his number one. I used to be his best friend,his favourite person. But now I’m not. But he’s still my best friend,my favourite person, my everything. I just wish he could be mine. And i hate feeling jealous because it makes me found selfish. I am happy that he’s happy, but every time he mentions her name with a glint in his eyes it makes me hurt. I hate that i fell in love with you. Why did i fall in love with you? What do i do with this love for you? Why in the world won’t you love me too? (If you get the reference, you’re amazing) but i understand that kind of pain,and it’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I know that nobody’s gonna read this,but it still felt good to type out, even if this was the hundredth time.
*Name is not required.