A while back my gf’s best friend came to stay at our place. I had met her before, always thought she was charming and pretty but nothing more. However, something really changed.
After spending more time with her, I can’t stop thinking about her. She reminds me a lot of my gf, she’s cultured, intellectual and got a great sense of humour. But I feel like I have a lot more in common with her, similar education, interests, values, family and life goals. It’s also the small things, such as how she dresses, her calm demeanour and her voice. Everytime she came into the room my mood perked up and I got butterflies. She’s inspired me to take up art again, and I even think of her to certain love songs. I feel so guilty as these are feelings I should only have for my gf, not her friend.
She also doesn’t seem to have the behaviours I’m worried about in my gf. For example, the friend is genuinely empathetic, kind, and compassionate, traits my gf doesn’t usually show. She’s also more maternal and less selfish, something I’ve had reservations about with my gf as I fear might be a problem if we have children. I also think my gf has potentially made me more selfish since the start of the relationship, something I’m very worried about and I know wouldn’t happen with the friend.
One night when we were drinking together, the friend left the room for a moment. My gf then started to get a little affectionate with me. The whole time I just sat there, hoping her friend would come back soon. I feel so bad about it, it kind of makes me sick.
I love my gf, I have no doubt about that. She’s wonderful, she’s done a lot for me and I have done a lot for her. I know she adores me, not sure why, but she does. Our relationship is great. However, I really am captured by her friend. I’ve had to say my gfs name over and over again in my head as I fear saying the wrong one out loud. I am also a little apprehensive to be intimate with my gf, as I am worried I’ll start to think of her friend during the act. Regardless of whether she knows, it’s just wrong and would be devastating.
I don’t have any desire to try and be with the both at the same time. I’m confident I would never cheat. I can only see a scenario where I get with the friend would need my gf to pass away. Something that makes me feel sick. They’re childhood friends, I could never leave one for the other as it would cause too many problems. I’d rather them keep the friendship above all else.
This is also assuming the friend even likes me. It’s difficult to say. There’s always been a strange atmosphere between us, especially when she didn’t know I was in a relationship with my gf. She compliments and teases me a lot, can be quite huggy. When she talks about what she wants in a partner, I can’t help but notice that I tick a lot of the boxes. But I might just be projecting for the sake of ego. It’s quite possible she only views me as nothing more than her best friend’s partner.
I don’t know if I would want her to like me back. On one hand, it would be great to know that the feelings are reciprocated, but then it would cause a huge amount of pain. It would just be selfish on my part. However, part of me keeps on thinking about what if I had met her first. Would things have worked out? Would I be happier?
For now I’m hoping it goes away. Out of sight, out of mind. However, there’s a good chance that we all might live near eachother one day and I’m not sure the feelings would go away. I have no right, but I feel jealous at the idea of her dating someone else. I am mainly writing this to vent, but if someone has read this wall of text and has any advice, I would appreciate it.
*Name is not required.