When I was younger, my dad told me not to tell my mother that he told me this. I’ve only heard of it one time from him since. Before I was born, my parents had connived twice, but my siblings never made it. I was their third attempt at a child. This explains the two-year gap from when they got married to when I was born a bit better.
I was the only child born
Sometimes- I think about what it would be like to have two older siblings- assuming they didn’t cause the sleep problems for my mother, and she then still had me (she didn’t have any more kids because I never slept as a baby, so she says). I wonder if I would have ever been born if my siblings had been born.
I just- I wonder what that would be like. Would I have an older brother to share my music with? A big sister to teach me makeup and fashion? Two brothers?? Two sisters?? I don’t know. I’ll *never* know. I miss people that were never born- who never took their first breaths. It makes me wonder *why me*? Why did I live? My disabled ass who’s struggling with more and more basic things as I get older because of my f****** autism. I always wanted siblings. And I’ll never be able to. I’ll never have the time with them that I could have had. I’ll never have someone to argue over snacks, or who sits where in the car, or top and bottom bunks. I just want a glimpse of what life with them could have been like… but it’s just not the same when it comes from close friends as a teenager… it’s not something I’ll ever have the change to grow up with.
My mom has never brought this up with me. My Dad did when I was in a depressive stage and he was explaining why my parents were so overprotective. I can’t remember the other time- maybe I’m getting it mixed up.
From what I know, my mom doesn’t know that I know. And I will keep it that way until she is ready to unpack it- if ever.
Thank you for reading, stranger.
*Name is not required.