I haven’t seen or spoken to you in three years. We’ve completely cut contact, but if I even see a photo of you it makes me want to throw up. If I hear your name ( I never realized how many people shared your name until I fell for you) my stomach turns sour. Thinking about you puts my body into fight or flight mode and that’s a problem since I think about you every goddamn day… first thought when I wake up, last thought when I go to bed.
Both of us are in relationships, but I can admit I’m not in love with my partner, because I genuinely haven’t felt love or true affection for anyone other than you. I’ve gone to therapy, I even say out loud “this is an intrusive thought and I don’t have to recognize it” whenever your name or face flashes in my head. It doesn’t help, but I keep doing it in hopes that someday it might.
The only times I’ve cried in the last three years have been from thinking about you for too long and being crushed under the weight of shame. Part of me truly hates you for just not being honest, but not as much as I hate myself for not standing up for myself and walking out that moment. Sometimes I think that I’m just punishing myself now for not packing up my s*** and walking out that very day, never to come back. I’m so angry at myself for being professional, which is an insane thing to think. But I genuinely think if I had walked off stage and never seen or spoken to you again, I would be past this. Instead, I decided not to make waves, that the show must go on and I struggled with how much I regret that every day.
There’s nothing I can wish for at this point other than to be Eternal Sunshine’d into forgetting you, because the therapy isn’t working and the shame is gnawing away at me. I don’t know how to fix this and I’m scared that it’s never going to get better…
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