today in therapy i realized i don’t have many motivations to live. i only really get out of bed because my cat needs to eat, or because i have to work to pay bills. or because my mattress isn’t very comfortable so after a while i have to get up. and i know my mom or grandma will call me during the week so i need to have it together at least a little bit. i have a lot of interests and hobbies available to me. i’m introverted but community makes my heart soar. i am a very creative person. i don’t have much motivation to finish anything. i don’t get much satisfaction from finishing projects, i feel an emptiness. so i keep picking up projects and never finishing anything because doing feels better than being done, and if i finish i have to find something else to do. i feel like my life is just one distraction from the next, so i don’t think too much about how i don’t want to be here. but after therapy and vocalizing that to someone for the first time, i feel like i opened a floodgate. i can’t really avoid it now. i realized i’m living mostly out of obligation and not real joy. there are things i enjoy but i get this fear about sharing with others. i don’t want to let people down or make them worried by letting them know how i really feel. i feel like i don’t matter. i mean, i matter to my mom and other loved ones so i live anyway because i don’t want to hurt anyone. but almost my whole life i’ve been hurting. ever since 2021 i feel i lost my life’s purpose and i’ve never felt so far from the life i want. i have always struggled with these thoughts but it was easier when i believed i had a good reason to be here. now i don’t know. i’ve done nearly everything i’ve been interested in, the things i’ve loved the most cause me anxiety now and i don’t know who i am without them. i don’t even know if people outside my family would realize i’m gone. i care a lot about a world i feel invisible in. i don’t know why i’ve always felt this way, i don’t know why it’s so much harder to find somewhere i belong now. i don’t have the same energy to go through the motions anymore. people care about me but i can’t tell them any of this so i’m always pretending and feel like they love someone i can’t be all the time.
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