Feelings are Getting Numb.

Is this still normal? Lately, I have been thinking about the people that are and were in my life. How people hold on to you, never understanding why they are still fighting for your love–and then there are people who come and go, not even looking a single glance back to you since you were never that important.

I’ve experienced both from people. And funny enough, I’ve also experienced both to BE those people.

Stuck in hardly trusting someone new that comes into your life because you’ve been let down so many times in the past, while simultaneously also desiring to be emotionally connected to someone–to be completely comfortable and not worry about how their opinion would change if you do this or that.

It’s hard. I don’t know what to say.

I don’t have much friends, I also don’t contact my family that much–which somehow both brings me peace and worry at the same time. It’s peaceful because you don’t have to deal with any drama, disappointments, expectations, and responsibilities. Not seeing my phone ring or a message feels like heaven, no one is disturbing me. But at least, at the very least, I’m still craving to have a special someone. Someone I can be safe with, and someone I can love without hurting.

Should hurt really be always related when it comes to loving someone? I don’t understand, why can’t it be separate?

Why can’t we love without having the risk of getting hurt?

Though I’m worried because, well, is this still normal? I’m concerned that I’m not “wanting” to interact with people just like normal, when I compare myself to my other friends who always contact and call their close ones. How do they do that? I really admire it. If I scroll down my messages, I see a lot who I’ve ghosted. I know it’s bad, but I don’t understand myself either why I do it. And it’s not because we had an argument, but I just want to be left alone.

And I know for the fact that, one day, it will come to a time that people will eventually leave because I don’t appreciate them. Yet, somehow, I can’t feel anything even if I try to imagine it.

I’m sorry, for all the people who wanted to stay with me. If I pushed you away, you did nothing wrong.

I just wanted to know why am I like this. Human feelings are interesting, but it’s complicated to understand.